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PostPosted: Wed Apr 25, 2018 1:50 am 
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More updates to come.

Vorpix - UB


Prologue: Where will your Dreams Take You?


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PostPosted: Wed Apr 25, 2018 2:26 am 
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Cool, a faerie 'walker! I'm always for adding more diversity to the M:EM.

The piece has no glaring flaw, it's a good mix of character showcasing and exposition that gets away with it through rhythm and rather direct narration, but I get the feeling it can be polished more; I can give you a few pointers if you want. (I'm no English native speaker, but I think you should double-check the tenses of the verbs in the italic parts, I think they're not always consistent.)

That said, I can tell there's more interesting material to come, and I look forward to it. Thanks for sharing!

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PostPosted: Wed Apr 25, 2018 5:13 am 
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Yay, new blood! And that goes for both character and author. Everything looks good, although I agree with Huey that another proofread could probably make it easier better.

My main issue is of a meta nature: I believe that fairies, at least on some planes, are Mana beings, which means they cannot be 'walkers. That may not be a universal (multiversal?) rule, but a completed dossier should at least mention how fairy biology works on his home plane.

Looking forward to seeing where you're going with this!

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PostPosted: Wed Apr 25, 2018 5:13 am 
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Yay, new blood! And that goes for both character and author. Everything looks good, although I agree with Huey that another proofread could probably make it easier better.

My main issue is of a meta nature: I believe that fairies, at least on some planes, are Mana beings, which means they cannot be 'walkers. That may not be a universal (multiversal?) rule, but a completed dossier should at least mention how fairy biology works on his home plane.

Looking forward to seeing where you're going with this!

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PostPosted: Wed Apr 25, 2018 8:23 am 
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Oh, hey, Crest is back! Welcome back, Crest!

I see you've tinkered around a bit with Vorpix's design, particularly his backstory. I like it. I think divorcing him from the canon planes is a good idea, and while I'm never a huge fan of what feels like modern terminology like "enemy operative," I do like the world you are hinting at here. There is a lot of vagueness to it, so we don't really know who or what is really involved, but I think that works. It adds to the feeling that Vorpix himself is likely experiencing as he tries to figure out what is happening. And I do like this very feeling we get from a bunch of mind mages trying to out-spy one another.

I like the way you are, especially early in this piece, jumping back and forth between the present and the recent past. I don't know if I would like this style if it were in every piece I read, but I think it worked really well here, and I like your decision to put the past moments in italics for clarity. My only problem with the use of italics is that early in the story you use it to denote exposition of the past, but then late in the story, it's used for mental/telepathic conversation. I don't think that this is a huge problem or anything, but the first part of the story tells us that italics means the past, and then suddenly it cues something different. Just something to think about.

Aaarrrgh wrote:
My main issue is of a meta nature: I believe that fairies, at least on some planes, are Mana beings, which means they cannot be 'walkers. That may not be a universal (multiversal?) rule, but a completed dossier should at least mention how fairy biology works on his home plane.

As far as this goes, it should be noted that we do already have a Fae 'walker in the Archive: Aria. Granted, Tevish describes her as a "Greater Fae," and is the size of a full-grown human woman, so Aaarrrgh's suggestion here to sort of flesh out how the Fae work on Vorpix's home plane is a solid one. In fact, I'm very interested in learning a lot about Vorpix's home plane. But I have no problem with a Faerie 'walker in general, as long as (like we discussed last time) it's not from a plane that had established Fae as non-born creatures.

Anyway, Crest, it's good to see you again. I don't know how much you've kept up on the M:EM since we last saw you, but I think there are a few characters we have around now that might have some interesting interactions with Vorpix. Jade is our resident expert on dream-walking and dream phenomena, so that is an interesting connection. Ygraine would be interesting just because of the size match-up. And of course, Cyrryc Adda might well be interested in Vorpix's poisons (although he prefers the more lethal varieties, in general).


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