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PostPosted: Fri Nov 09, 2018 1:30 pm 
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I've had this story brewing for a looooong time. In fact, I'd promised it to Raven a long time back, but I just had trouble making it click.
However, it's finally here, so, if you'll indulge me, just sit back in for a long one folks.

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At twilight's end, the shadow's crossed / a new world birthed, the elder lost.
Yet on the morn we wake to find / that mem'ry left so far behind.
To deafened ears we ask, unseen / "Which is life and which the dream?"


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 09, 2018 1:31 pm 
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At twilight's end, the shadow's crossed / a new world birthed, the elder lost.
Yet on the morn we wake to find / that mem'ry left so far behind.
To deafened ears we ask, unseen / "Which is life and which the dream?"


Last edited by Barinellos on Fri Nov 09, 2018 8:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Fri Nov 09, 2018 1:31 pm 
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At twilight's end, the shadow's crossed / a new world birthed, the elder lost.
Yet on the morn we wake to find / that mem'ry left so far behind.
To deafened ears we ask, unseen / "Which is life and which the dream?"


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 09, 2018 9:09 pm 
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 10, 2018 9:39 am 
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Location: Homestuck rehab center
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Thanks for sharing!

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PostPosted: Sun Nov 11, 2018 12:26 am 
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So, I know that our dogged detector prefers whiskey, but I will confess that I'm just a bit sad he missed the chance to order up a djinn and tonic.

:rimshot:

With that horrible pun out of the way, I really, really, really enjoyed this story, Barin! Thanks so much for sharing!

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PostPosted: Sun Nov 11, 2018 1:33 am 
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Now that I have a few reactions, I'll let you all in on a secret.
This entire story, all 17k words of it was nothing but an excuse to introduce a character and make a very subtle pun. It wasn't the djinn bartender. It was Millia!
Because she's a police siren. :teach:

I have no idea what this madman is talking about. This is the first I've heard of any of this. Who the heck is Donagut, anyway? And just who are all you people?!?

:D

Anyway, Barinellos, I love this story! It reminds me of "Eternal Eclipse" in all the right ways, but is very much its own story. And, because this one was quite a while in the making, I had forgotten a number of the details of the plan, which made piecing everything together along with Donagut a ton of fun. I did remember the basic conceit before the end, but it was a fun ride.

Donagut feels pretty spot-on to me here. There are one or two minor things that I would have done differently (his non-reaction when a couple of people call him Fydorian stands out) but as Orcish has stated in the past, slightly different takes on characters from different writers is one of the perks of this project. I really like the mix of action, investigation, and noir humor that is our Dogged Detector's calling card (I swear, I will literally never tire of that pun), and I think you balanced it all very well.

Glad you enjoyed it!
Naturally, I was looking to do things right since I'm effectively playing in your sandbox, so the approval means bunches.
When it comes to Fydorian being used, I think it's a lot that they're just not going to stop calling him that, partly to weedle him a bit, as close friends do, and he's gotten to the point that, in his own words 'you put up with it or get violent.'

Quote:
I really like the way you fleshed out the Great City a bit here. It feels more real to me than I remember it from "Eye for an Eye" and "Eternal Eclipse." I mean, I don't think I did a bad job with that, but I like the way you brought it to life here.

I think it's the little things that kind of inform the bigger picture.
Stuff like the population and all the walks of life, that since they don't have tracks, it's the bridges that distinguish the posh and rough neighborhoods, the fact that there ARE bridges implying other details, etc.
All in all, it was fun to tuck in and add to the city and play in the kind of noir tropes where the city has as much character as everyone else.

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I really like Burkes and Millia. They have a really nice buddy cop dynamic for a fantasy world, and I like that Donagut has "friends" on the Enforcers other than Nallry. Of course, to Burkes's point, Donagut doesn't exactly have friends, but still, I like that there are people around who are willing to help the poor mutt out.

I seem to be getting known for doing side characters that really pop. A lot of times, I think that success comes down to all the headcanon history I conjure for everyone. With these two, I'm seriously thinking of making a little mini dossier, especially if anyone ever wants to play around at making a buddy cop thing with them.

Quote:
And of course, I really like the end, both the bit with Dusk (which for the record, I just typo'ed as "Duck," which as a name for an ancient vampire crimelord, I find infinitely amusing) and the very end with Aleia. I like that the vampire is essentially the "good guy," even if he clearly has some selfish reasons for doing so.
Well... Count Duckula was a thing.

Quote:
But I really like the touching moment with Aleia at the end. Aleia is a character who, although everyone in her life "liked" her, never really felt cared for. Tessa clearly didn't, her family didn't, and Kennan's motivations are unclear; he might be genuine in his concern, he might not be. Aleia's very brief comments about him at the end hint to me that his concern is perhaps a bit other than purely sentimental, but that just be me. So her gratitude at this stranger going through everything that he did for her feels really profound here, and sort of makes me hope that, in some capacity or another, Aleia will show up in another of Donagut's stories down the road. Even if it is not as a character, but as a plot device (Donagut's attending one of her concerts and a crime takes place or something) that would be pretty cool.

Aleia was honestly one of the hardest characters I've ever had to write for. We barely even see her, so a TON of the lifting in characterizing her was done at a handicap. I had to paint in impressions and subtlety, partly because I wanted her to have a strong presence. I couldn't let myself fall into the 'tell, don't show' kind of writing, but without her even in the picture, it was REEEEEALLY hard to show.


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SWEAR, I could use a drink… - I'm assuming this was a placeholder for an actual curse word, or maybe "I swear"
Think of it as mumbling under your breath to yourself. So it was the 'I swear' with the I cut off by informality.

Quote:
“I’ve been to worse djinn joints.” - And of course, this is one of my favorite things ever. :D

I wouldn't have done my job right if it hadn't been.

Quote:
I had to amend my previous thought. I didn’t get to sleep in today. - So, this really threw me off, because I don't remember Donagut mentioning this previously. It's very possible that I missed it, but you may want to look to see if this is a thing that got lost in editing? Like I said, I could be wrong, though.
it's a callback to the start of the previous chapter.

Quote:
So yeah, I really enjoyed this one, and its great to see this come to life. As I've stated before, I love when other people write for my characters. It is genuinely really, really gratifying to see a character I created in a story I didn't, particularly when that story is just really good, and I think this one is.

Thanks a lot, Barinellos! This was a ton of fun.
Thanks for reading!

Quote:
Oh, and I love the little noir epigraphs at the beginning of each chapter. Most of them got a good chuckle out of me.
No lie, those were the first and last things I wrote.
Coming up with all of them got to be HARD.

_________________
At twilight's end, the shadow's crossed / a new world birthed, the elder lost.
Yet on the morn we wake to find / that mem'ry left so far behind.
To deafened ears we ask, unseen / "Which is life and which the dream?"


Last edited by Barinellos on Sun Nov 11, 2018 1:42 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Sun Nov 11, 2018 1:41 am 
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It turns out I really like fantasy noir!

Then my job is done here. Away!!!
*flies off into space*

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The introductory quotes for each chapter give a lot of flavor, I liked the Enforcers side characters and the atmosphere is superb - the Blue Lantern in particular feels very real, and the disturbing notes like the locks on the outside of the performers' room (reminds me of Vetinari's dungeon from the Discworld) really sell the subtle wrongness of the whole situation.

The atmosphere for the Lantern was a bit complex since it had about three components. The physical location itself, the characters that occupied it (which compose most of the cast), and the sense of daily life and other things that happen. I think it's important that there be a sense of routine to make it feel really lived in, instead of purely as a setting.

Spoiler


Thanks for reading!

_________________
At twilight's end, the shadow's crossed / a new world birthed, the elder lost.
Yet on the morn we wake to find / that mem'ry left so far behind.
To deafened ears we ask, unseen / "Which is life and which the dream?"


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PostPosted: Sun Nov 11, 2018 1:56 am 
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So, I know that our dogged detector prefers whiskey, but I will confess that I'm just a bit sad he missed the chance to order up a djinn and tonic.

:rimshot:

With that horrible pun out of the way,

pft, you saw the response to Raven didn't you?

Quote:
I really, really, really enjoyed this story, Barin! Thanks so much for sharing!

I'm glad you did and thanks for reading!

Spoiler

_________________
At twilight's end, the shadow's crossed / a new world birthed, the elder lost.
Yet on the morn we wake to find / that mem'ry left so far behind.
To deafened ears we ask, unseen / "Which is life and which the dream?"


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